Later...

Okay, just now getting back to thi. My DAUGHTER, Lola Roux Malizia, is almost 3 months old and I have embarked on the trippiest journey known to mankind. That's the thing with human life, we all feel like we are experiencing each thing for the first time, that's why Joseph Campbell called us the hero with 1000 faces. So true. We are all doing it for the first time on the planet.
Well, as everyone who has been through it before knows, the birth didn't turn our the way I had planned. I know why, too. B/c I really needed a good ass kicking. I was getting really squirrelly toward the end there with my fears of all things western and such. I pushed for 6 hours at the natural birth center and they finally had to call it, they told me that I had to be transferred to the hospital, I had a cesaerean. I want to document the whole story:
It was Sunday night when I started having contractions (6/17/07) they were totally fine, not a big deal. I thought it might be fake, so I wasn't getting too upset about it. Then Monday morning, something was definitely happening so Joel called in to work. We set up laboring stations around the house and tried all kinds of different positions. Joel was timing the contractions and writing them down. Around 4:00 that afternoon, we called the midwife. She said we could meet her there at 6pm. I couldn't wait for 6pm!! So, we went to the birth center and met her. I wan't dialated enough to be admitted, so she said we could go out to the water and walk with knees lifted high and then walk sideways up and down the stairs for 30 minutes to try and dialate me more. We did it and it worked! I was admitted around 8pm and the contractions were bad enough to stop me from walking. She said I could go back out for another exercise session to move things along or I could ret, but resting wouldn't make things go any faster. So we went out for another session. While we were out there, one of my coworkers called Joel's phone!! I totally hated her at that moment b/c she told Joel to have me give a good push for her. What a tool.
That's when it really started to suck. I don't remember it very clearly, but some time in the night, my mom showed up and I made her stay in the other room. It just sucked to be the only one in the room experiencing this while everyone stared at me. I didn't want her staring, too. I hit transition sometime in the wee hours of the morning, that's when the midwife broke my water, meconium presence. I started pushing around 9am. I tried the tub, the tug of war thing, squatting (with watermelon ankles) anything and everything to get the baby out.

I hate all the attention

My due date is Wednesday. On my way to work today, I stopped at the drive thru bank teller and she said, "You're still here? You look like you're about ready to pop." I almost chopped her head off. I am so sick of hearing this. I am so sick of it!!!!! Yes! I am still here!!!!! I know I am being a bitch about it, but I have learned there are so many things I am never saying to a pregnant woman again!!!
My thing was always to calculate the due date to see if the pregnant lady would have to be pregnant during the summer and then say, "Oh! You won't have to be very pregnant during the heat of the summer!" I always thought this was so clever of me, and a unique thing to say. However, EVERY PERSON ON EARTH SAYS THIS. I had no idea. I really think the worst one is, "Huhu, you look like you're ready to pop!" THat is such a f*ing stupid thing to say and I have said it SO many times in my life. What does that mean, ready to pop? That I am going to explode guts all over you so get out of the way, fast? That I am a fat hog? What if you just said that to a normal person who wasn't pregnant? Oh my God.

Americans

I was at Babies r us the other day and I was buying one of these breathable bumpers so your BABY DON'T DIE OF SIDS, GODDAMN! The lady who checked me out was a simple woman, not a member of the intelligentsia by any means, but just your average Josephine. SHe put my crib bumper into a huge bag. I said, "I don't need a bag." So she took the crib bumper right back out of the bag and handed it to me. THen she took the huge bag off of the bag holder thingy and THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE. I can't get this out of my head. God forbid someone else might get a gigantic bag that had touched my already bagged, sanitized crib bumper. I think the reason I can't get this out of my head is that this is a simple, average woman. To me, she represented the mentality of the majority of Americans.
This happens at work, too, with the bags. We have these really sturdy, nice plastic bags that we give to people (I only to people who ask for them). But these bags are expensive and can easily be reused many, many times. Sometimes, people bring these bags back with their books in them. When they do this, I fold the bags and put them back to be used again. Some of my co-workers think this is gross because the bags have already been used and are not in slick, pristine format when they are handed out. When did people start thinking this way?
I am thinking of the average person when I was a kid. This person saved aluminum foil for reuse, for crying out loud. How did we lose this thriftiness? When did we all get used to hand sanitizered, plastic surroundings that are 100% NEW and anti-bacterial?
Another change in American mentality that I have noticed was brought to my attention by a lyric in the Leonard Cohen song, "Suzanne." It says, "...and she brings you tea and oranges that come all the way from China." Back in the day, something from China was exotic. Perfume from France was a big deal. Now you can buy eggrolls made in Thailand at Super Target. Things that were created in China are considered to be shit. Our blood is turning into oil. We are just eating and eating and eating petroleum without regard. It seems like we are all just drowning in privelege. It makes me feel like my head is going to pop off. It seems like everything has lost its value.
On another frustrating American subject, medicine. I won't go too deeply into it, but today, a girl who has almost the same due date as me was telling me that she is going to be induced because her amniotic fluid levels are high and this may cause the umbilical cord to wash out. She has had five ultrasounds. What the fuck does this even mean? This sounds like the biggest pile of bullshit I have ever heard. Umbilical cord wash out? Come on! Why doesn't she want to know what that means? When did we stop asking questions about our bodies? Maybe we never started.

Hi baby

I haven't written anything to you, yet. because I haven't known what to say. I wish i could explain to you how you have already transformed mine and your poppy's life just by growing in the womb. We found out some great news today, your dad is O- blood type. That means that I don't have to worry about whether or not to get the Rhogam shot!! It's very exciting, baby. I have tried to make all the best decisions for you while you have lived inside of me. i have to admit I have eaten fast food four times this week, though. My bad, dog. Hope the monosodium glutamate isn't punching holes in your adorable little brain. We don't know if you are a boy or a girl because i didn't want to get an ultrasound while you were inside of me. Dr. Piro, the kooky scientologist naturopath, doesn't advise it just in case it causes hearing problems for babies and you will soon learn that I follow Dr. Piro's advice with almost cult-like devotion (except for the fast food, of course, she certainly does not advise that). What else? I didn't get the Rhogam shot because it is possible that that isn't good for you, either. There is a high mercury content in the shot and 62% of autistic kids have rh- moms. That is interesting, not conclusive, but something to think about. I won't be having any drugs when I deliver you, either. I want you to enter this world with your eyes wide open and I want them to stay that way for as long as possible. I am having you underwater so the trauma will be less on you. If you are a boy, i am not going to have you circumcised for that same reason. I am going to do the very best I can for you to help you grow up clean and strong and loved. Your dad is totally on board with all of this. You have transformed our relationship from one where we were both fighting very hard to maintain our separate identities to one where we just want to be kind to each other and to you. I haven't eaten any refined sugar during the whole time you have been inside, either. I think it has helped me to have a really easy pregnancy (other than the first 3 months of being insane).
Baby, I never want to be one of those moms that messes you up in any way. I don't want anyone to hold you back or hurt you, including me and your dad. I like to think you will have a good shot at life being here with us. We will teach you how to be kind but strong and how to take care of the earth and other people on it. I am using cloth diapers on you and I am going to start getting our vegetables from a local organic coop every sunday starting in September. I hope I can do what you need me to do. I think your dad and I together are a great team and we will be able to love you and protect you.
I know you are coming to this planet for a special purpose and i know that it is our purpose to let that come through without trying to influence the outcome because of what WE think is right. You will be our greates teacher to date. Oh, by the way, if you are a boy, your name might be Grandpa. I know it is weird, but it is really important to your dad that this is your name. He thinks it is a great tribute to all of the men that have come before us on both sides. As far as I know, if you're a girl, your name will be Lola and if you're a boy, your name will be Grandpa Giacomo. We will call you Jack for short, no one will have to know about the Grandpa part. You will find that people become very angry when they encounter things that are different. We can't wait to meet you!!
I love you.
Mom