Just got your first Text!

I want to document my experience of your meditations in India.
Friday, March 22: Total exhaustion and relief after an end to the week's events. Pretty sick with some kind of flu.Slept like a rock. Thinking of you a lot and wondering how it is going.

Saturday, March 23: Pretty sick from flu, too sick to go to morning yoga. Spent day indoors, still working, though. Worked on opening my heart to Lola and being as present as possible for her, playing games and hanging out. Joel had a major episode with childhood anger and addictions flaring up. I had some very old fears flare up and scare the crap out of me / collective shadow. Stuff I thought I was completely done with. Just tried to breathe through it and see through the illusion. I had the idea that some of these shadow bubbles pop more easily than others. Some are made out of tire rubber. Importantly, I realized that I developed a fear of going insane when I worked on the psych ward. Seems like such a simple fact but revelatory to me and took me many years to figure out!

Sunday, March 24: Joel was a hot mess after the events of the previous evening. He was suffering all day with it. He went out that night and had addiction flare up, again. Excellent yoga class, then I viewed tire rubber bubbles from previous evening to see what I could do with them. Worked with it for a couple of hours until I heard your voice telling me to drop the story. That worked like a charm. I understood it finally, that I tell myself scary or sad stories. Maybe my amygdala is searching for trouble? They are mostly "what ifs" and related to my fear of insanity. Very elaborate stories in some cases.

Monday, March 25: Persistent image of the car without a chassis made of sticks rolling down a hill. I am on retreat, too, this week. Off with Lola for Spring Break. All rest and nurture. Spoke with a friend who has been going through a lot and making a lot of discoveries and was able to share some insights. Your work is far reaching! Got your text at 1:45p. So wonderful to hear from you! I was just discovering (for the 7000th time) that a relaxed mind is free of all suffering, regardless of the type.

MBX

I don't know why I am so upset today.
i don't fall in love with people.
i am not a little kid.
My thoughts want to go today toward thinking that i won't be okay without you.
This is why i never depend on people.
Because i have to know that i will be okay without them.
i can't let these weaknesses take hold.
i am not this kind of person.
i don't have these weepy emotions.
i don't become heart strong friends with other people.
i don't cry for days when my friend moves away.
You just snuck up on me.
What makes you such a fool is what makes you so sneaky.
You have no standards for yourself.
You will accept any mongrel on the street exactly as she is.
i am past this.
i am an adult.
i don't cry when my friends move away.
We must have had a deal before we came to this planet.
It's just stupid, stupid stuff that I will miss.
Going to the grocery store together.
I never had any friend who wanted to do that with me.
Only sisters want to do that stuff.
And maybe not so stupid stuff, too.
Like how my daughter only REALLY talks to people she trusts.
And that's about 6 people on the planet.
And you are one of them.
You really are the best friend I ever had.
But, don't flatter yourself.
This is because i pick horrible friends.
Why couldn't i just stay mad at you and shoo you out?
Then i wouldn't be sad.
But, I am so glad that I didn't do that.
I am so glad that I could see through my own garbage enough to know.
So that I was able to tell you how much I love you and how sad I am that you're leaving.
i wanna write your dad back.
i wanna tell him that he is right about you.
That you make silly decisions and that, yes, at your age you should have a 401K.
But, he is just doing the same thing as me.
He just wants to keep you somehow.
It's easier to get mad at you and Lawrence you.
It's hard to watch you go through your life taking these crazy risks.
What if something happened to you?
What would your dad and i do?
We might be okay without you living next door, but we WOULD NOT be okay without you at all.

Unawares

What is life if unaware we have no time to stop and stare?
unawares?
No, that's the angels.
sit and stare?
stand and stare?
Don't even know who wrote that.
Should read more poetry.
On second thought, why?
Anything that's really outstandingly profound gets circulated as a quote eventually.
Same way any really good song turns into muzak eventually.
Becomes background noise.
I can't believe it's not genius.
Learned that lesson, let's keep it playing so we don't forget it.
What is life if, unaware?
You wouldn't even appreciate the staring if you weren't bone tired.
Bored people don't enjoy staring.

Don't Worry

A person could fall in love with you.
Now, I can't tell you this because you will think that I am saying that I could fall in love with you.
This could not happen.
I am not saying that because I am denying my feelings or because it isn't possible.
I am saying that when you were talking about your dad yesterday, the way your eyes reddened and shined was pretty remarkable.
The skin around your eyes is remarkable.
It is opened wider than most people.
It seems like there is no division between your skin and your sclera.
The ledge was not created at a 90 degree angle like other people's eye ledges.
Also, there was no block that caused any hesitation.
It was a natural transition from speaking to speaking with tears.
There was nothing in you that tried to stop that from happening.
No choke or cough or apology.
A person could fall in love with that.
Or, should I say, that you could fall in love with a person.
It is possible, but I can tell that you don't think it is.
It just has to be the right person.
Look for someone with a 45 degree eye ledge.
I will let you know if I find one.
Now, me?
I have pretty deep, sunken eyes.
I definitely have a 90 degree eye ledge.
In fact, I would say that my eye ledges are cavernous.
90 degrees and a deep, deep right angle.
Every transition in me is conscious and forced.
But, I told you, this isn't about me.
This is about you finding another 45 degree-er.
Or maybe finding a 90 degree-er that could appreciate a 45 degree-er.
One that could love you.
One that you could love.
I am pretty sure that this is what you will have to do.
Because I told you yesterday that I hope you get to be a father during this life.
You said you didn't think you would fuck it up.
You said you thought it might be possible to be an alcoholic and a good father at the same time.
Wait, you didn't say you would be a good father.
You said you wouldn't fuck it up.
Maybe something like that would be possible for a person with a 45 degree ledge.
I am pretty sure it would be more than you bargained for, though.
All of that would have to happen outside of our societal contract, I guess.
Maybe in another country?
Yes. Definitely in another country.
Your strangeness wouldn't translate in another country.
It is all subtle enough as to not really exist, except in the homogenous context of our family.
And we got a message this morning that your dad died.
I only, just now, thought of you, though.
First, I made sure that my husband was managing the news appropriately.
He is good at death. He will be fine at this. He has a 90 degree ledge, like me.
Then, I thought of your aunt, who didn't tell me that he died.
Then, I worried about just the right message to send to her about it.
And just the right message to send to my brother about it.
And just the right message to send to my sister about it.
And I guess, now, I am really working hard on sending you just the right message about it.
This is how the mind of a 90 degree-er works.
Does somebody build or not build that ledge or is it just genetic?
Well, his body is dead, now.
And yesterday, I didn't bring it up.
He was still alive, then, and I am in the camp of the disappointing, so why would I?
You brought it up, though.
You wanted to talk about it.
His death was the subject that brought this whole thing about.
Your 45 degree eye ledge was magnified by that very subject.
You said that you weren't sad for him.
You said that you were sad because you wanted your mom and dad on the planet with you.
I wasn't worried about you, then, because I knew that you recognized it was self pity.
You said that you had come to terms with him dying and with human dying.
I was glad that you had done the work on that.
I would think that kind of work is very important for a 45 degree-er.
You were pretty drunk, I guess.
I have to tell you, though, I don't think it's working.
The alcohol doesn't seem to be adding any degrees to your eye ledge.
I mean, there it fell.
Right there into your Orange Crush and Vodka.
Look, I can't tell you all this, even though you really need to know it.
You would just cling to me, and I can't have that.
I am not casting aspersions.
I got out of the conversation just like I am getting out of this; at 90 degrees.

Later...

Okay, just now getting back to thi. My DAUGHTER, Lola Roux Malizia, is almost 3 months old and I have embarked on the trippiest journey known to mankind. That's the thing with human life, we all feel like we are experiencing each thing for the first time, that's why Joseph Campbell called us the hero with 1000 faces. So true. We are all doing it for the first time on the planet.
Well, as everyone who has been through it before knows, the birth didn't turn our the way I had planned. I know why, too. B/c I really needed a good ass kicking. I was getting really squirrelly toward the end there with my fears of all things western and such. I pushed for 6 hours at the natural birth center and they finally had to call it, they told me that I had to be transferred to the hospital, I had a cesaerean. I want to document the whole story:
It was Sunday night when I started having contractions (6/17/07) they were totally fine, not a big deal. I thought it might be fake, so I wasn't getting too upset about it. Then Monday morning, something was definitely happening so Joel called in to work. We set up laboring stations around the house and tried all kinds of different positions. Joel was timing the contractions and writing them down. Around 4:00 that afternoon, we called the midwife. She said we could meet her there at 6pm. I couldn't wait for 6pm!! So, we went to the birth center and met her. I wan't dialated enough to be admitted, so she said we could go out to the water and walk with knees lifted high and then walk sideways up and down the stairs for 30 minutes to try and dialate me more. We did it and it worked! I was admitted around 8pm and the contractions were bad enough to stop me from walking. She said I could go back out for another exercise session to move things along or I could ret, but resting wouldn't make things go any faster. So we went out for another session. While we were out there, one of my coworkers called Joel's phone!! I totally hated her at that moment b/c she told Joel to have me give a good push for her. What a tool.
That's when it really started to suck. I don't remember it very clearly, but some time in the night, my mom showed up and I made her stay in the other room. It just sucked to be the only one in the room experiencing this while everyone stared at me. I didn't want her staring, too. I hit transition sometime in the wee hours of the morning, that's when the midwife broke my water, meconium presence. I started pushing around 9am. I tried the tub, the tug of war thing, squatting (with watermelon ankles) anything and everything to get the baby out.

I hate all the attention

My due date is Wednesday. On my way to work today, I stopped at the drive thru bank teller and she said, "You're still here? You look like you're about ready to pop." I almost chopped her head off. I am so sick of hearing this. I am so sick of it!!!!! Yes! I am still here!!!!! I know I am being a bitch about it, but I have learned there are so many things I am never saying to a pregnant woman again!!!
My thing was always to calculate the due date to see if the pregnant lady would have to be pregnant during the summer and then say, "Oh! You won't have to be very pregnant during the heat of the summer!" I always thought this was so clever of me, and a unique thing to say. However, EVERY PERSON ON EARTH SAYS THIS. I had no idea. I really think the worst one is, "Huhu, you look like you're ready to pop!" THat is such a f*ing stupid thing to say and I have said it SO many times in my life. What does that mean, ready to pop? That I am going to explode guts all over you so get out of the way, fast? That I am a fat hog? What if you just said that to a normal person who wasn't pregnant? Oh my God.

Americans

I was at Babies r us the other day and I was buying one of these breathable bumpers so your BABY DON'T DIE OF SIDS, GODDAMN! The lady who checked me out was a simple woman, not a member of the intelligentsia by any means, but just your average Josephine. SHe put my crib bumper into a huge bag. I said, "I don't need a bag." So she took the crib bumper right back out of the bag and handed it to me. THen she took the huge bag off of the bag holder thingy and THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE. I can't get this out of my head. God forbid someone else might get a gigantic bag that had touched my already bagged, sanitized crib bumper. I think the reason I can't get this out of my head is that this is a simple, average woman. To me, she represented the mentality of the majority of Americans.
This happens at work, too, with the bags. We have these really sturdy, nice plastic bags that we give to people (I only to people who ask for them). But these bags are expensive and can easily be reused many, many times. Sometimes, people bring these bags back with their books in them. When they do this, I fold the bags and put them back to be used again. Some of my co-workers think this is gross because the bags have already been used and are not in slick, pristine format when they are handed out. When did people start thinking this way?
I am thinking of the average person when I was a kid. This person saved aluminum foil for reuse, for crying out loud. How did we lose this thriftiness? When did we all get used to hand sanitizered, plastic surroundings that are 100% NEW and anti-bacterial?
Another change in American mentality that I have noticed was brought to my attention by a lyric in the Leonard Cohen song, "Suzanne." It says, "...and she brings you tea and oranges that come all the way from China." Back in the day, something from China was exotic. Perfume from France was a big deal. Now you can buy eggrolls made in Thailand at Super Target. Things that were created in China are considered to be shit. Our blood is turning into oil. We are just eating and eating and eating petroleum without regard. It seems like we are all just drowning in privelege. It makes me feel like my head is going to pop off. It seems like everything has lost its value.
On another frustrating American subject, medicine. I won't go too deeply into it, but today, a girl who has almost the same due date as me was telling me that she is going to be induced because her amniotic fluid levels are high and this may cause the umbilical cord to wash out. She has had five ultrasounds. What the fuck does this even mean? This sounds like the biggest pile of bullshit I have ever heard. Umbilical cord wash out? Come on! Why doesn't she want to know what that means? When did we stop asking questions about our bodies? Maybe we never started.