MBX

I don't know why I am so upset today.
i don't fall in love with people.
i am not a little kid.
My thoughts want to go today toward thinking that i won't be okay without you.
This is why i never depend on people.
Because i have to know that i will be okay without them.
i can't let these weaknesses take hold.
i am not this kind of person.
i don't have these weepy emotions.
i don't become heart strong friends with other people.
i don't cry for days when my friend moves away.
You just snuck up on me.
What makes you such a fool is what makes you so sneaky.
You have no standards for yourself.
You will accept any mongrel on the street exactly as she is.
i am past this.
i am an adult.
i don't cry when my friends move away.
We must have had a deal before we came to this planet.
It's just stupid, stupid stuff that I will miss.
Going to the grocery store together.
I never had any friend who wanted to do that with me.
Only sisters want to do that stuff.
And maybe not so stupid stuff, too.
Like how my daughter only REALLY talks to people she trusts.
And that's about 6 people on the planet.
And you are one of them.
You really are the best friend I ever had.
But, don't flatter yourself.
This is because i pick horrible friends.
Why couldn't i just stay mad at you and shoo you out?
Then i wouldn't be sad.
But, I am so glad that I didn't do that.
I am so glad that I could see through my own garbage enough to know.
So that I was able to tell you how much I love you and how sad I am that you're leaving.
i wanna write your dad back.
i wanna tell him that he is right about you.
That you make silly decisions and that, yes, at your age you should have a 401K.
But, he is just doing the same thing as me.
He just wants to keep you somehow.
It's easier to get mad at you and Lawrence you.
It's hard to watch you go through your life taking these crazy risks.
What if something happened to you?
What would your dad and i do?
We might be okay without you living next door, but we WOULD NOT be okay without you at all.

Unawares

What is life if unaware we have no time to stop and stare?
unawares?
No, that's the angels.
sit and stare?
stand and stare?
Don't even know who wrote that.
Should read more poetry.
On second thought, why?
Anything that's really outstandingly profound gets circulated as a quote eventually.
Same way any really good song turns into muzak eventually.
Becomes background noise.
I can't believe it's not genius.
Learned that lesson, let's keep it playing so we don't forget it.
What is life if, unaware?
You wouldn't even appreciate the staring if you weren't bone tired.
Bored people don't enjoy staring.

Don't Worry

A person could fall in love with you.
Now, I can't tell you this because you will think that I am saying that I could fall in love with you.
This could not happen.
I am not saying that because I am denying my feelings or because it isn't possible.
I am saying that when you were talking about your dad yesterday, the way your eyes reddened and shined was pretty remarkable.
The skin around your eyes is remarkable.
It is opened wider than most people.
It seems like there is no division between your skin and your sclera.
The ledge was not created at a 90 degree angle like other people's eye ledges.
Also, there was no block that caused any hesitation.
It was a natural transition from speaking to speaking with tears.
There was nothing in you that tried to stop that from happening.
No choke or cough or apology.
A person could fall in love with that.
Or, should I say, that you could fall in love with a person.
It is possible, but I can tell that you don't think it is.
It just has to be the right person.
Look for someone with a 45 degree eye ledge.
I will let you know if I find one.
Now, me?
I have pretty deep, sunken eyes.
I definitely have a 90 degree eye ledge.
In fact, I would say that my eye ledges are cavernous.
90 degrees and a deep, deep right angle.
Every transition in me is conscious and forced.
But, I told you, this isn't about me.
This is about you finding another 45 degree-er.
Or maybe finding a 90 degree-er that could appreciate a 45 degree-er.
One that could love you.
One that you could love.
I am pretty sure that this is what you will have to do.
Because I told you yesterday that I hope you get to be a father during this life.
You said you didn't think you would fuck it up.
You said you thought it might be possible to be an alcoholic and a good father at the same time.
Wait, you didn't say you would be a good father.
You said you wouldn't fuck it up.
Maybe something like that would be possible for a person with a 45 degree ledge.
I am pretty sure it would be more than you bargained for, though.
All of that would have to happen outside of our societal contract, I guess.
Maybe in another country?
Yes. Definitely in another country.
Your strangeness wouldn't translate in another country.
It is all subtle enough as to not really exist, except in the homogenous context of our family.
And we got a message this morning that your dad died.
I only, just now, thought of you, though.
First, I made sure that my husband was managing the news appropriately.
He is good at death. He will be fine at this. He has a 90 degree ledge, like me.
Then, I thought of your aunt, who didn't tell me that he died.
Then, I worried about just the right message to send to her about it.
And just the right message to send to my brother about it.
And just the right message to send to my sister about it.
And I guess, now, I am really working hard on sending you just the right message about it.
This is how the mind of a 90 degree-er works.
Does somebody build or not build that ledge or is it just genetic?
Well, his body is dead, now.
And yesterday, I didn't bring it up.
He was still alive, then, and I am in the camp of the disappointing, so why would I?
You brought it up, though.
You wanted to talk about it.
His death was the subject that brought this whole thing about.
Your 45 degree eye ledge was magnified by that very subject.
You said that you weren't sad for him.
You said that you were sad because you wanted your mom and dad on the planet with you.
I wasn't worried about you, then, because I knew that you recognized it was self pity.
You said that you had come to terms with him dying and with human dying.
I was glad that you had done the work on that.
I would think that kind of work is very important for a 45 degree-er.
You were pretty drunk, I guess.
I have to tell you, though, I don't think it's working.
The alcohol doesn't seem to be adding any degrees to your eye ledge.
I mean, there it fell.
Right there into your Orange Crush and Vodka.
Look, I can't tell you all this, even though you really need to know it.
You would just cling to me, and I can't have that.
I am not casting aspersions.
I got out of the conversation just like I am getting out of this; at 90 degrees.